Birder Most Fowl: Bird World and the Invention of Murder

One quarter of a fortnight ago, Professor Lewton Nord of the Terkyland Institute gave a guest lecture on the role of Bird World in the invention of murder. The talk was hosted by the University’s Intramural Rare Bird Killing Team at Abrahamson Hall. Many were in attendance though few wished to be there. Scholars have long squabbled over who exactly invented murder, though most of the prominent theories involve Bird World in some capacity. While theologians have suggested Cain’s killing of his brother Abel, likely at the behest of some bird, as the first murder, Lewton Nord has disproven this. Ancient texts uncovered by Nord in the Turkey Library at Terkyland Institute suggest that the story of Cain and Abel was a corruption of a much older historical anecdote from Bird World. The texts referred to “Crane” and “Abel Bird” as leaders of two warring factions. Previous methods of conflict resolution, including spitting, clawing, and squawking, had failed. Enraged at the continued existence of his rival, Crane discovered that if he clawed at Abel Bird until he stopped moving, Abel Bird would no longer be alive. Thus, the convenient catch-all and scratch-all solution of murder was invented. Nord suggested that further research must be done into determining the veracity of the story of Crane and Abel Bird, though most scholars have thus far agreed that the tale was based on a real incident that took place in Bird World long before human history.

COWBOY HEADS WEST, ENDS UP IN THE EAST

“I followed the sun, but she done looped me ‘round like a sarsaparilla drunk on a carousel,” he sobbed. APRIL 21 — Residents awoke Tuesday to find a dust-coated stranger muttering incoherently and licking a compass as if it might yield better directions with some seduction. “I reckon I took a left at the tumbleweeds when I should have ignored it completely,” stated Bucklaroo McTeeth, a geographically challenged frontier enthusiast. “Now I find myself in a town where the sun rises behind me instead of in front. This ain’t west. This is the… east... deep east.” “He rolled in hollerin’ about gold rushes and cattle rustlin’. We ain't got either,” sniffed Willy Williams, town librarian and unofficial judge of spatial violations. Sheriff Petey Criminal confronted McTeeth at high noon. “This ain’t no west, partner. You’re pollutin’ our town,” he declared. Locals claimed to see the Sheriff reach for his holster to pull out his map. In a subsequent interview, McTeeth seemed perplexed but unrepentant. “Wherever I go, that’s the West,” he opined, chewing on a straw that may have been a pipe cleaner. “I may be lost, but I’m authentically lost. Which is the cowboy way.” The town is currently undergoing spiritual fumigation and has petitioned to be relocated even further east to prevent recurrence. Bucklin, meanwhile, has been escorted to the nearest philosophical crossroad and spun three times counterclockwise “to reset his bearings.” He was last seen riding a goat named Harold toward what may or may not be destiny.

Mildred "Moxie" Puddleforth, Senior Correspondent for Misguided Manifest Destiny Affairs

MIRF GIVES BIRTH

At some o’clock yesterday Sally Mirf gave birf to her firf-born child, Tony.

LENOIR’S ‘PERPETUAL QUESO’ DRAWS CONTROVERSY AND INTRIGUE

Ex: An unusual but alluring odor has been wafting through Lenoir dining hall since the addition of the newfangled ‘Fabulous Fromage’ station. The dairy dedicated depot has replaced the contentious Ice Scream Stand, after complaints of hearing damage from students with a sweet tooth that neglected to carefully read the sign. The smell can be attributed to the latest gourmand that has taken up residence in the historic second floor university cafeteria. Hailing from the far out lands of Faroutland, Chef Silas Stroganoff has brought with him his pot of perpetual queso, a fondue that he claims has been brewing through six generations. The cheese is cautiously monitored by Chef Silas, who we found staring into the queso as it reflected his gaze like a well polished mirror. “O’er the years many people have come to taste my family’s queso, and countless cheeses have been added.” says Chef Stroganoff as he stands watch over the cauldron. From Gruyere to Camembert, each addition brings a taste and scent unique to their terroir. As Silas puts it, “each bite tells a story.” That story, however, may be one of health concerns. Camp Health, a small outcropping of tents manned by medical students, have voiced their worries about the cheesy concoction as they handle an overwhelming outbreak of Whey Warts that has spread throughout the student body since the appearance of Stroganoff’s pot of fermenting fromage. Despite medical maladies, fans of the perpetual queso continue to queue up for another helping of cheese, eagerly watching as Silas chucks another befuddling formaggio into the stewpot.

by Hans

Cucumber Wins Big

Faster than thunder, Cucumber over- took Epitaph in the last lap, making him the first cucumber to ever win a horse race.

ONE SENTENCE OF FAKE NEWS

Oklahoma renamed Ocome- homa because of a lost person.

OPINION: EDITIONS ARE NOT A GOOD EDI- TION AND ISSUES ARE AN ISSUE

EX: Have you ever read a themed Issue or Edition of a newspaper? The Answer is yes, you have. Even if you can’t read, you have still seen one! When a newspaper decides to release a themed Issue or Edition, an angel loses its wings, and a guy named Bythe tells a woman to smile more. There was a time before everything got all screwed up in which people wrote for freedom and not to be chained up by some theme like, “This issue is going to be the food issue,” or “This is the Abibliophobia Edition,” like what food related story can I even write about! Maybe I want to interview a guy about bananas without it being forced on me by the gods. Maybe I want to talk about the upand-coming sport Squigglepharmicide without my god given right of Freedom of writing stuff down getting revoked. And they’re on my tail. I swear. I am speaking the truth, and everyone else is against me! HELP! Especially that one cartoonist. I know they have hired him to kill me. Because I speak the truth. Anyways, for eons and years, there has been another type of newspaper that has stuck to just having random stories that don’t go together in any way unless by pure coincidence. That’s how newspapers should stay if we want our freedom to remain intact. CONT. Pg 5

NATURAL SELECTION SELECTS AGAIN

Peter McGlunnuh was a beloved husband, father, son, grandson, and nephew. After an extensive battle with Moon Man’s Disease he passed away Saturday night, surrounded by his fam- ily. He will be remembered for his con- sistent hard work and determination. Smith’s Bank, for whom he worked for 37 years, will be honoring him with a 1:12 scale cardboard cutout giveaway. In lieu of flowers, the Mc- Glunnuh family asks for money

GATOR-AID

Announcing a new system of welfare for lazy gators. If you are an alligator who cannot provide for your family, turn in your skin in exchange for cash. Though you will likely die in the process, your family CONT pg 3